Pornography and (the new) patriarchy
How bad ideas about women and men harm everyone and betray God’s design
What a mess we’ve made of male/female relationships. And it’s not like we couldn’t see it coming.
Strident feminist rhetoric has taught men – young men in particular – that everything masculine about them is toxic. And along comes a new breed of “influencer” telling them to lean into toxic.
Online personas like famed misogynist Andrew Tate (currently charged with rape and human trafficking; he takes his toxicity seriously) coach young men to get fit, get rich, and set about sexually conquering as many women as possible. Most of his followers, however, are unable to build their own harems and instead turn to the easier obtained comforts of abundant porn consumption.
Compounding the bad behavior and confusion is a new breed of “Christian patriarchs” who – instead of speaking biblical truth about men and women, instead espouse a similar worldview that women are “less than” men. They’re propped up by women who buy into this aberrant worldview and are online in droves, shaming other women for “feminist” things like voting or having a job.
Everyone suffers – men, women, and children – when we consume such bad ideas.
The best thinking about women and men comes from their Creator
Let’s first sum up the biblical view. In the very first book of the Bible, in the very first chapter in fact, God lays it out clearly:
And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. – Genesis 1:27
Men and women are equal in the sight of God. Neither received more of God’s image than the other. As John MacArthur notes, “as spiritual beings standing before God, men and women are absolutely equal.” This passage also argues against any idea that gender doesn’t matter. God created only two, and they are distinct.
Genesis is also clear that women were created specifically to be companions and helpers to men, but there’s no denigrating that role, since God Himself is described as the helper of Israel in other Old Testament passages, including Psalm 33:20, where the exact same Hebrew word is used. It describes a relationship of service to another. Obviously if God can serve, then service is worthy of the highest respect.
Other passages in the Old Testament speak to women being under male authority in the roles of daughter (in her youth) and wife (while husband is alive), but Numbers 30 clarifies that, specifically absent those two authority-related relationships, women are not under authority to any man.
Why is this important? We’ll get to that shortly.
The New Testament confirms male and female responsibilities in marriage and the church, including in Ephesians 5. People often focus on verses 22-33, which lay out those responsibilities for both, but as always the fullest context paints the richest picture. The section immediately preceding this passage, in telling people how to be imitators of God, tells all believers to submit to one another in Christ.
There is so much more we could say about the full and rich picture God paints of His care and love for women, and the beautiful way that unfolds when husbands and wives put their spouse ahead of themselves. For now, it’s enough to establish that God created men and women differently to complement each other, and loves them both equally.
Two societal cancers encroach on this beautiful picture, instead pitting men and women against each other. One, as we’ve noted, comes from people who should know better; the other comes from the pit of hell. Well, they’re probably both coming from the pit of hell. But let’s start with the obvious.
Porno world
It’s where we all live now. Pornography is so easily accessible that any child with access to a smartphone can see vile, degrading images or videos that they can never unsee.
The average age of first exposure to this brain toxin is in elementary school, stealing the innocence of both boys and girls, although boys are more likely to find themselves a slave to it. They’re trapped, unable to stop accessing porn and eventually looking for harder core, more degrading material.
Many of these porn users know they’re in trouble. Columnist Jonathon Van Maren reports that “porn addiction” is the most commonly searched term related to addiction, leading him to conclude it’s likely the most common American addiction.
And porn-fueled young men are inherently dangerous to young women, as young women are finding out.
In 2019, a UK study found a third of women under 30, during “consensual” sex, reported experiencing being slapped, choked, gagged or spit on. Two years later, another study found 58% of American female college students reported a sexual partner choking them. A more recent UK study, though, shows nearly half of girls aged 16 to 21 say they’ve had a partner expect slapping and choking as part of sex.
Is it any wonder more and more young women are opting out of dating? They don’t feel safe. As Van Maren notes:
For every young man online complaining that feminism has robbed him of his marital options, I have spoken with half a dozen young women who despair of finding a partner who has not had his mind pumped full of depraved pornographic imagery of women being degraded and abused.
After sexual encounters with some of these young men, there are young women who decide to opt out of being female altogether – that’s a big reason for the existence of “trans men.” These young women weren’t born in the wrong bodies; their bodies have been mistreated, or they just don’t want their bodies to play the role defined by violent porn, which of course drives much sexual abuse in general.
Sadly, porn is shockingly “normal.” Recent Barna research found that 3 in 5 self-professed Christians believe they can regularly view porn and be sexually healthy. (I emphasize “self-professed” because half of America thinks if they believe in God, they’re Christian. And that’s not what makes one Christian.)
But porn use is almost universal in the rest of society. Van Maren calls us a “porn-shaped culture” by which he means “a culture in which most adults watch pornography regularly and a majority of children are exposed to this digital cocaine before puberty.”
Van Maren’s most recent essay on this topic ties together the porn culture guys with our next featured group, the “patriarchy bros.” He notes both are responding to the acknowledged evils of secular feminism, but their responses are dangerous.
Predatory snake oil salesmen like Andrew Tate, Myron Gaines, and other figures have accrued massive male followings preaching the prosperity gospel of promiscuity, fitness regimes, and personal wealth replete with harems of disposable women. On the religious front, podpastors like Joel Webbon and commentators such as Andrew Wilson are preaching “patriarchy” as the solution, with their own lives and careers being one of the best arguments against their reactive junk theology.
The patriarchy bros
Reactive junk theology it is. This isn’t the same patriarchy that the radical feminists have been wanting to smash for decades, by the way. Those ladies just don’t like biblical authority structures. This “patriarchy” is a new brand that gives old-fashioned patriarchy a bad name.
Remember when I said that the teaching in Numbers 30 about women and authority was important? This is why. It’s because the Bible does not support what the patriarchy bros are trying to get us to swallow about women and authority.
Take the now-disgraced (after sexual sin came to light) patriarchal Christian nationalist Joel Webbon. Seriously, please take him. This guy has publicly stated that women shouldn’t be in any positions of leadership – anywhere. They shouldn’t vote. They’re too gullible. He’s also attacked popular podcaster Allie Beth Stuckey, because he doesn’t want to see women podcasting, or YouTubing, or in politics, or in the public square at all, or (of course) in jobs outside the home.
He also doesn’t let his wife read books without his permission. See for yourself.
Treating your wife like a child is not biblical. It does not respect her equality before God. Sadly, many of the women in these relationships have taken on this warped view of their own sex.
For example, one such wife told me that the reason women shouldn’t work is not so much about the kids but because at a job she’ll be under the authority of a man other than her husband. Apparently they consider this usurping the husband’s authority – and they’re really big on authority. It’s their favorite thing. The poor wife just won’t know which man in her life is most important if she has a job, I guess. (Isn’t it kind of hilarious that it doesn’t occur to them that the boss could well be a woman?)
Which brings us to one “influencer” the patriarchy bros can really get behind – Lori Alexander, known on social media as “The Transformed Wife.” She teaches women that if they just stay home and shut up and have dinner on the table and are always sexually available, everything will work out. Here’s how she responded to a woman describing an achingly sad marriage situation:
In an example that illustrates a connection between patriarchy and porn, Lori has counseled women whose husbands are addicted to porn that they should just pray. She does not acknowledge that porn use is a form of adultery; she’s more concerned about the husband feeling “disrespected.”
It’s also troublesome that Lori was pleased when the aforementioned Andrew Tate re-tweeted one of her tweets.
Nations are crashing, according to Andrew Tate and Lori Alexander, because women have choices. Neither of them have any respect for women as individuals. Lori’s constant refrain of nothing but submission may be music to the ears of the patriarchy bros, but it falls far short of the kind of robust biblical guidance older women are supposed to provide.
“Consider how girls and women feel when they hear that in the porn-shaped culture we share, they are the primary problem. That if only they “submitted” more; displayed more of a willingness to subordinate their safety to men; were more willing to be “silent”; were more attentive to the desires of men; that would solve the “gender divide.” Blaming women for our problems is one of the very first male sins recorded in Scripture, of course.” – Jonathan Van Maren
Do you see the crossover here between porn culture and patriarchy culture? Both send immensely twisted messages regarding the relationships between men and women.
Speaking of twisted messages – there’s also crossover between porn culture, patriarchy culture, and a growing polygamy culture. Rob Kowalski is a Youtuber who called himself the “Christian polygamy guy” – which of course is akin to me calling myself the “Christian serial killer gal.” It just doesn’t work that way. I won’t link to his vile content, but Mike Winger lets him have his say and then demolishes him here.
Where we can go from here
There’s only one cleanser powerful enough to clean up this mess we’ve made.
The bright light of truth – scriptural truth about men and women – must be shone into every dark corner of the porn industry and the “patriarchy/Christian nationalist” movement.
Pushback is essential.