He Speaks Truth: A veteran dad’s wisdom for raising kids who thrive
Why time, love, and gratitude can be a father’s greatest gifts
I know the blog is called “She Speaks Truth” – but every once in awhile I like to get a “He Speaks Truth” perspective. For that I bring in the big guns, which is to say, Mr. S, my husband of a number of decades. And never you mind how many decades.
Since Father’s Day is around the corner, I thought I’d ask him to share some wisdom for younger dads. Because fathers seem to have become an endangered species in some communities, and too many dads are not living up to their responsibilities, even if they are around. Fatherlessness is a societal crisis, actually.
And being a father is an enormous responsibility. Fathers are, after all, the human representatives of the Father we all share – so when they mess it up badly, children have difficulty understanding there’s a Father God who loves them.
In fact that’s really a dad’s highest calling – pointing to the Father. It’s important to teach, but you may have heard the phrase “better caught than taught.” The father who wants to do right by his children will strive to live as an example they can point to, not just as a dispenser of verbal wisdom, or a dispenser of cash, or in the worst case, a dispenser of nothing, a non-participant in his child’s life.
So here’s what a veteran dad of three highly successful young people thinks about fathering.
He Speaks Truth — Father’s Day edition
What advice do you have for a young dad – both philosophical and practical?
As much as is possible, make yourself available to them. We talk a lot about the importance of mothers in a child’s life, and there’s no question about that, but fathers are just as important – that’s why God designed for a child to have both.
Sometimes dads get bogged down with work responsibilities and they don’t make enough time for the kids. That’s really your priority when your kids are at home – time with their mom and time with them.
There is no activity you can do that is more important than spending time with your family, and if that means limited personal “fun” activities (like golf or fishing, etc.) then so be it. But fishing or golf is great if you do it together.
Try everything in your power to make your children aware that you are always there for them, providing leadership and security no matter what. You are more than just a source of physical provision for the family – you’re also providing character, prioritizing time, and being both physically and emotionally present for your little ones.
Also model gratitude by expressing it for them. Make sure they know you’re grateful to God, that you thank Him often for the gift of their lives.
What do you feel like you did well as a parent?
I tried really hard to make sure each of our three kids knew that I love them individually and unconditionally. I wanted to provide a sense of security, and that they would understand I was looking out for their wellbeing in every way I could think of.
I encouraged them to do their very best and not settle for good enough, using all their talents and creativity to pursue whatever they chose in life. I wanted them to have an ethos of not giving up. And an ethos of doing the right thing, and honoring God.
I also did my best to put them ahead of myself.
You can’t hug them too often. I grew up in a home where that was lacking, and I was determined to do better. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed for me now that they’re adults – hugs from my kids are the best medicine.
What would you do differently?
It feels like I have a long list on this one, and it’s hard not to major on what we did wrong.
In general, I wish I’d been a better model for how a father and husband should be. I also wish I’d not let other pursuits interfere with what should have been family priorities. It’s really easy to let other activities take over far too much of family life, which is a big mistake.
Regrets are part of parenting; nobody escapes that. I’ve tried to not let them steal my joy and focus on positives more – but that’s challenging.
What’s your greatest joy as a father right now?
I cherish my relationship with each child (along with our daughter-in-law, and granddaughter). Time with each as individuals is precious. In person time is best. Having at one point had them all living far away (including two overseas), I treasure having one much closer, and hopes of another being closer soon. Adult children are an unqualified joy; grandchildren are an unfathomably sweet bonus gift.
What do dads need most from their families?
I tried to provide unconditional love, wisdom, encouragement, and respect for them as individuals… so I’d say we dads need those same things too.
There’s something to be said for a “we’re in this together” mindset, even with adult kids. Bringing each other into struggles we’re having, addressing challenges together, and celebrating victories together are what builds strong bonds.
What’s the best thing you ever got for Father’s Day?
Anytime the kids saved up their own money to get something, it was precious to me. And as my wife will attest, I find it difficult to ever part with any of their gifts. But even better perhaps is the stack of charming, funny or otherwise delightful homemade cards and notes the kids presented to me. They are ALL saved.
Even now their personal messages are the most precious thing. On my birthday a couple of years ago, my wife arranged for our family and friends to participate in a Kudoboard*, which is like a big online group card. Participants can write a message, and include photos or videos. That was an overwhelming emotional experience for me, for my kids to so thoughtfully express their love in words and pictures.
Okay, it’s me again, the “she” in She Speaks Truth.
After asking Mr. S to answer these questions, I also asked our kids what they thought their dad did well, and I found it fascinating that their responses touched on so many things he had mentioned:
“He is sensitive to the needs of those he loves. And he knows how to prioritize things that are important. And he doesn’t get caught up in stupid things, like fame or money.”
“I think the most unique lessons were related to understanding integrity, which requires consistency, and tenacity, which requires intensity. Those are things I notice missing in a lot of people my age, and I think are a huge benefit in life.”
“He is sacrificial even in the little things — noticing our desires and choosing those over his own. He also offers wisdom for situations that are difficult.”
I hope this special edition of “He Speaks Truth” inspires dads to prioritize wholehearted fathering, and inspires kids (and moms) to thoughtfully love dad back — especially this Father’s Day!
*Check out Kudoboard HERE to make a precious memory for your dad.